[Disclaimer: This post is not intended to make light of the dangers sailors face during their time at sea]

If you’re unemployed or looking to make a career change, this is the time to consider piracy. There are low barriers to entry and the commissions are sky-high. No experience or education required. This is just what you are waiting for.

I realize piracy didn’t work out for the few unfortunate idiots that hijacked an American ship. I don’t recommend doing that. But you see, thousands of ships pass through the gulf of Aden every year and the shipping companies and OPEC countries have decided it was cheaper in the long run to pay ransom than to place armed security on each of those ships. This means there is a wide-open market for the entrepreneurial pirate. Here’s how you do it.

Become the pirate of choice for sailors. The OPEC countries are willing to pay the ransom. Somali pirates are lousy hosts. Together, this spells opportunity. You can become the new gold standard for piracy in Africa by following my advice.

What is that you say, don’t want to shoot anyone? No worries, the crew will lock themselves in the boiler room the moment they see you on the horizon. Just get yourselves some fancy water guns from Toy’s R Us and a couple of black flags and the rest will take care of itself.

Sailors are going to be kidnapped. So as a new pirate, I suggest you open a swanky beach-front prison camp with coconut cocktails and Somali hula-dancers. It’ll be like a free month-long vacation for the captured crew. They’ll love you for it.

In fact, your reputation will grow such that you might not have to send out raiding parties. You’ll be sending out receiving ships. Crews will be lining up to be captured by you. You might not have to go out at all…captains could schedule their capture with your executive pirate assistant months in advance.

All the while you’ll be collecting millions in ransom. You could even negotiate a discounted rate for repeat customers. Work out a retainer or take payment via PayPal. The opportunities are endless.

And you don’t have to feel sorry for the OPEC countries or mega corporations paying the ransom. Nope, they’ll just pass that cost on to the consumer. It’s a total win-win. Happy sailing!